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Southern Baptist at the Race Track

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Did you hear about the about the Southern Baptist who was in the habit of sneaking to the race track to bet on the horses?

One day he was losing badly when he saw a priest step onto the track, walk up to line-up and bless one of the horses on the forehead. The horse was a long shot, but the Southern Baptist thought, “With the priest’s blessing, surely this horse will win.” He placed a small bet and, sure enough, the horse came in first.

At the next race, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed another horse’s forehead. Even though this horse was also a long shot, the Southern Baptist was a little bolder this time and placed a larger bet on that horse. Again, it won.

A third time, the priest stepped onto the track and blessed a horse on the forehead. Like the others, this horse was also a long shot. The Southern Baptist placed an even larger bet this time and, sure enough the horse won.

This pattern continued throughout the day with the priest blessing the forehead of a long shot horse, the Southern Baptist placing larger and larger bets and the horse always winning.

At the last race of the day, the Southern Baptist thought, “I have got to go for broke here.” With great anticipation, he watched as the priest stepped onto the field one more time, walked up to the line-up and blessed the forehead, eyes, ears and hooves of one of the horses. The Southern Baptist ran to the ticket counter and bet all he had on that horse.

The horse came in dead last!

As he was walking out, he saw the priest. Walking up to him, he demanded, “What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they won, even though they were long shots. Then at the last race you blessed a horse, I bet everything and the horse lost.”

“That’s the problem with you Protestants,” said the priest. “You can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and the Last Rites.”

Afraid of the Dark

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A little boy was afraid of the dark.
One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.

The little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mama, I don’t want to go out there. It’s dark.”

The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. “You don’t have to be afraid of the dark,”
she explained. “Jesus is out there. He’ll look after you and protect you.”

The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, “Are you sure he’s out there?”

“Yes, I’m sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him,” she said.

The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little.
Peering out into the darkness, he called, “Jesus? If you’re out there, would you please hand me the broom?”

You Never Hear in Church

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Hey! It’s MY turn to sit on the front pew!

I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went over time 25 minutes.

Personally, I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.

I’ve decided to give our church the $500.00 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.

I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.

Forget the denominational minimum salary: let’s pay our pastor so she/he can live like we do.

I love it when we sing hymns I’ve never heard before!

Since we’re all here, let’s start the worship service early!

Pastor, we’d like to send you to this Bible seminar in the Bahamas.

God is Watching

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Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
“Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

Secret Sin

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Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room.
The first pastor said, “Let’s confess our secret sins one to another.
I’ll start – my secret sin is I just love to gamble.
When I go out of town, it’s cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring.”

The second pastor said, “My secret sin is that I just hate working.
I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors.”

The third pastor said, “My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can’t wait to get out of this room!”