A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterwards the pastor asked the man where he had gone.

“I went to get a haircut,” was the reply.

“But,” said the pastor, “why didn’t you do that before the service?”

“Because,” the gentleman said, “I didn’t need one then.”

Jesus’ Father’s Name

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”

They all knew. “Mary,” they answered in unison.

The teacher then asked, “Does anyone know what Jesus’ father’s name was?”

A little kid shot up his hand and said, “Verge.”

The teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”

The little kid said, “You know, Verge n’ Mary.

The Good Samaritan

A Sunday School class was learning about the Good Samaritan. To make the story vivid to the children, teacher told the story in detail, describing how the Samaritan was beaten, robbed, then left for dead. Then she asked the class what they would do if they saw someone on the side of the road, beaten and all bloody. A little girl quietly replied, “I think I’d throw up.”

The Children’s Sermon

On Easter Sunday, the minister was giving the children’s sermon. He reached into a bag and pulled out an egg. He asked the children if they knew what was inside.

“I know,” said one boy. “Panty hose!”

The Athiest in the Woods

An atheist was walking through the woods, thinking to himself,

“How beautiful the animals are!”

“How majestic the trees are!”

“How powerful the rivers are!”

As he walked along the river, he heard rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned and saw an 8-foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran along the path as fast as he could, but when he looked over his shoulder, he saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He kept running, but when he looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. Then he tripped and fell on the ground. The bear was right on top of him with his right paw raised to strike him. At that instant, the atheist cried, “God help me!”

Time Stopped.

The bear froze.

The forest was silent.

A bright light shone upon the man and a voice from the sky said, “You’ve denied my existence for all these years and have taught others that I don’t exist. You’ve even credited creation to a cosmic accident. Why would you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Are you now a believer?”

The atheist looked into the light and said, “Well, I would be hypocrite to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but could you, maybe, make the BEAR a Christian?”

“Very Well,” said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

The bear lowered his right paw and brought both paws together. He bowed his head, and said: “Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive from Your bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”