Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Christian school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
Someone had written a note and placed it next to the apples.
It read, “Take only one, God is watching.”

Moving through the line, to the other end of the table, was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One little boy wrote his own note and snuck it next to the cookies,
“Take all you want, God is watching the apples.”

Three pastors went to the pastor convention and were all sharing one room.
The first pastor said, “Let’s confess our secret sins one to another.
I’ll start - my secret sin is I just love to gamble.
When I go out of town, it’s cha-ching cha-ching, let the machines ring.”

The second pastor said, “My secret sin is that I just hate working.
I copy all my sermons from those given by other pastors.”

The third pastor said, “My secret sin is gossiping and, oh boy, I just can’t wait to get out of this room!”

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus,
could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.”

“Sounds easy enough. OK.” So Jesus waited at the gates while
St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach
the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
He peered at the old man and asked, “What was it you did for a living?”

The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.”

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
“Did you have any family?” he asked.

“Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.”

Jesus leaned forward some more.
“You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?”

“Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.”

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?”

The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by.
She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”
God replies, I didn’t recognize you.”