Cost of a Sermon

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:
“My good people, I have here in my hands three sermons…a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour.
Now, we’ll take the collection and see which one I’ll deliver.”

A Special Hymn

A preacher was completing a temperance sermon; with great expression he said,
“If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said,
“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
And then finally, he said,
“And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
He sat down.
The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile,
“For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: “Shall We Gather at the River.”
A Special Hymn

Obituary


Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else.
Someone’s passing creates a vacancy that will be difficult to fill.
Else has been with us for many years and for every one of those years,
Someone did far more than a normal person’s share of the work.
Whenever there was a job to do, a class to teach, or a meeting to attend,
one name was on everyone’s list,
“Let Someone Else do it.” Whenever leadership was mentioned, this wonderful person
was looked to for inspiration as well as results; “Someone Else can work with that group.”
It was common knowledge that Someone Else was among the most liberal givers in our church.
Whenever there was a financial need, everyone just assumed Someone Else would make up the difference.
Someone Else was a wonderful person; sometimes appearing superhuman.
Were the truth known, everybody expected too much of Someone Else.
Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do.
Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it?
Who is going to do the things Someone Else did?
When you are asked to help this year, remember — we can’t depend on Someone Else anymore.

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, “Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?””Yes,” the professor answered. “When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now.”

“Well,” said the gatekeeper. “That is a very minor sin. You may enter.”

“Thank you very much, Saint Peter,” the professor answered.

“You’re welcome, but I am not Saint Peter,” said the gatekeeper. “He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas.”