Father?

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming.
He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus,
could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive.
Ask about their background, their family, and their lives.
Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven.”

“Sounds easy enough. OK.” So Jesus waited at the gates while
St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach
the gates was a wrinkled old man.
Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him.
He peered at the old man and asked, “What was it you did for a living?”

The old man replied, “I was a carpenter.”

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward.
“Did you have any family?” he asked.

“Yes, I had a son, but I lost him.”

Jesus leaned forward some more.
“You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?”

“Well, he had holes in his hands and feet.”

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, “Father?”

The old man leaned forward and whispered, “Pinocchio?”

Woops

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she has a near death experience.
During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it.
God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift,
liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc.
She even has someone come in and change her hair color.
She figures since she’s got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.
She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding by.
She arrives in front of God and complains, “I thought you said I had another 30 years.”
God replies, I didn’t recognize you.”

Parking

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short
of time and couldn’t find a space with a meter.

So he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: “I have circled the block 10 times.
If I don’t park here, I’ll miss my appointment. FORGIVE US OUR TRESPASSES.”

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note.

I’ve circled this block for 10 years. If I don’t give you a ticket, I’ll lose my job. LEAD US NOT INTO TEMPTATION.”

The Red Wagon

It was the day after Christmas at a church in San Francisco.
The pastor of the church was looking over the naivety when
he noticed the baby Jesus was missing from among the figures.

Immediately he turned and went outside where he saw a little
boy with a red wagon and in the wagon was the figure of the infant of Jesus.

So he walked up the the little boy and said,
Well, where’d you get Him, my fine friend?

The little boy replied , “I got him from the church.”

And why did you take him?”

The little boy replied,
Well about a week before Christmas I prayed to the little Lord Jesus and I told him if
he would bring me a red wagon for Christmas I would give him a ride around the block in it
.”

Lazy Son

It was 5:00 a.m and the father went to his son Shawn’s bedroom door, knocked and said,
Son, it’s time to get up. Jump in the shower and we’ve got to leave ASAP to catch any fish.”

Soon it was 5:30 and dad had the coffee brewing, the boat hooked up and he just finished
packing the truck, when he noticed Shawn still wasn’t up.

Furious the dad pounded on his son’s bedroom door a second time and yelled,
Jesus rose from the dead and you can’t even get out of Bed!”

To which the son replies, “Yeah, but it took Jesus three days!!”